Chicago Tribune | You're not invited on the `babymoon'

You're not invited on the `babymoon'
Some believe new parents need time alone with the baby after childbirth

E-mail this story

Printer-friendly format

Search archives

By Ann Douglas
Special to the Tribune
Published May 15, 2002

You wouldn't dream of inviting your entire family to tag along on your honeymoon. After all, those moonlit strolls along the beach tend to lose a bit of their magic with a mother-in-law in tow. It's widely accepted that newlyweds need a little time to themselves after the wedding. But new parents rarely are given that same sort of break after childbirth.

Rather than being given time alone with their new baby, parents may find themselves stampeded by well-wishers eager to look at the new arrival.

According to Robin E. Weiss, a Louisville childbirth educator and doula, the onslaught can start within hours--even minutes--of the birth.

"Well-meaning friends and family often start parading in the moment the parents reach their postpartum room in the hospital," Weiss said.

That's why many health-care professionals, including San Mateo, Calif., pediatrician Alan Greene of www.drgreene.com, think new parents should be encouraged to take a "babymoon."

Babymoon is a term that British childbirth educator Sheila Kitzinger coined to describe time alone with your new baby during the early hours and days after the birth.

A time for bonding

There are practical reasons for wanting to take a brief timeout after a baby arrives.

New parents need to get used to the idea that they are responsible for a another life. New moms need a chance to recover from the birth, to cope with the dramatic physical and hormonal changes that occur during the early postpartum period and to master the art of breast-feeding.

According to Cecelia Cancellaro, author of "Pregnancy Stories: Real Women Share the Joys, Fears, Thrills and Anxieties of Pregnancy from Conception to Birth" (New Harbinger, $14.95), many new mothers are unprepared for the highs and lows of the postpartum period.

"We're often so focused on getting through the pregnancy that our well-thought-out plans do not take us any further than the birth," Cancellaro said.

One of the things parents should talk about before the baby's birth is the babymoon plans. Some couples choose to go into total seclusion. Others, such as Amy and Dave Lowe of Chicago, prefer to invite selected family members to babymoon along with them.

"My mother helped tremendously by cooking and cleaning," Amy Lowe said. "I don't know what we would have done without her help."

Like the Lowes, Kim Updegrove, a certified nurse-midwife and faculty member of the Yale School of Nursing, thinks there is something to be said for including a handful of friends and relatives in your babymooning plans, provided you zero in on friends and family members who are likely to be helpful and supportive.

"This is no time to be working through the kinks in a relationship," Updegrove said.

It's also important to be clear about the types of chores fellow babymooners will be involved in.

"If someone offers to help--even if it's your mother or mother-in-law--put them to work doing things that need to be done but that you don't want to do yourself, like cooking or cleaning," said Nancy Price, a Walnut Creek, Calif., mother of four and founder of www.ePregnancy.com.

"A lot of relatives will want to take care of the baby non-stop. A little break from the baby can be nice, but do not allow them to take over if you are happy taking care of your new little family member yourself. If you're still recovering from the birth and feeling quite emotional, I suggest asking dad to play `bad cop' in this situation. You can also `blame' your doctor or the baby's pediatrician--say they told you not to let anyone else handle the baby."

Dad also can play a role in helping to spread the word about your babymooning plans before baby makes the grand entrance.

The Lowes found that it worked well to notify their friends and family members in advance about their plans to limit the number of visitors during the early weeks of their baby's life.

"Before Emma was born, we told our friends that we would basically be having no visitors for the first two weeks," Amy Lowe said. "Then when we started having visitors, we encouraged people to drop by around dinnertime so that they would bring a meal."

Visitors are welcome to help

Not all new parents are quite this willing to ask for help, but, according to Updegrove, the Lowes were wise indeed to call in favors from family members and friends.

"We live in a highly task-oriented society. It can be very difficult for us to ask for and accept help from others. But we need to train ourselves to do so."

If assigning chores doesn't help to slow the flood of visitors, a new mom might want to fall back on some tried-and-true techniques, such as staying in her nightgown and housecoat all day long and entertaining visitors in the bedroom rather than the living room. Not only will this provide visitors with visual reminders that lengthy visits aren't welcome yet, Updegrove said, but it will remind visitors that caring for the baby is top priority.

New parents who aren't up for visitors shouldn't be afraid to ask friends and relatives to postpone their trip.

"Because the birth of a new baby is so exciting, a lot of parents think they have to be gracious hosts and allow people to come by and visit with the new baby, even in the early days. I really encourage moms and dads to just say no if they need some time and space as a family."

And even if a would-be visitor is offended, that's a small price to pay for safeguarding this special time with a newborn. Weiss said a babymoon is literally a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

"I remember sitting on the couch, my eyes welling with tears, as our fourth [child] turned the ripe old age of 3 days old, thinking, `I'll never have another 3-day-old baby.' While it may sound cliche, it's true. Your baby is only this small for so long. Take advantage of this special time."

Fellow mother-of-four Nancy Price also agreed that the chance to babymoon is not to be missed.

"The early days with a newborn are precious and remarkable and yet go by so fast. With the euphoria that often comes with the reality of finally meeting your baby, combined with the hormonal highs and lows and lack of sleep, it's almost like you're on your own little planet. And that's how it should be, a special time just for you and your new family. You're falling in love with your baby. Don't let anyone else get in the way of that beautiful bond."