Chicago Tribune | Where can a mom find help?

Where can a mom find help?
She just needs to get wired

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By Sherry Thomas
Special to the Tribune
Published June 23, 2002

"Hey-Kel" was seven months pregnant when she found out about the layoffs.

It wasn't so bad, she told her friends. Sure, there was the bankruptcy and the no-health-insurance thing, but DS2 (darling son No. 2) was on the way, and certainly her DH (dear husband) would get a job with benefits soon.

So Kelly Frederick, 31, of Bolingbrook signed off Feb. 2, 2001, the way she always had--with a smile.

"I dropped off the boards altogether because I had no computer at home," she said. In order to stay in touch, however, she did share her snail-mail address with one of her e-mail buddies.

A few weeks later, a mysterious card appeared in her mailbox. In it was a $600 check and a note with many signatures. One month of Cobra health insurance, it said.

Frederick couldn't believe her eyes. She didn't even know who sent it.

She knew their names, of course. There was "MissChatter," "Onion" and "Marismom," "Valgal," "Scaper" and "Cipsi." She could easily tick off the ages of their children, when the kids were toilet trained, how and why and when the moms stopped breast-feeding. But Frederick and these women had never met.

Their relationship, something of a cyber ya-ya sisterhood, was based solely on typed, cleverly abbreviated messages passed back and forth at an online bulletin board for working mothers.

"It was really incredible," said Frederick, who now is back on her feet and working at home. "People were sending me presents they had hand-made. I had a shipment of little boy's clothes and a whole box of maternity clothes. They would call and ask how I was doing and report back to the group. Then they'd print out the responses and mail them to me. I felt like I was part of a family. Later on, I told my girlfriends in real life about it and they were like 'Wow!' "

Surprised?

If you're a neophyte to the virtual world of chat rooms and bulletin boards, it might sound inconceivable. But mothers who depend on their online communities for advice and support know friendships made here can, and often do, transcend cyberspace.

Many moms who "meet" on the boards strike up personal e-mail relationships, exchanging photos, telephone calls, hand-me-downs and even gifts. Others take it a step further, organizing face-to-face gatherings of women whom they know only by cryptic screen names and cyberwinks.

Dina Ross, for example, goes by "Dinabee." She's particular friends with "Cipsi" and recently met "Honey" from Houston over wine and pizza at her Oak Park home. They're curious about the neat-sounding "Shabby-Chick" from California and wondering whether she'll make it to Worknwoman.com's Balancing Act board get-together in Chicago on Sept. 28.

In Chicago's Norwood Park neighborhood, Chicago firefighter Cindy Fagiano (a.k.a. "Firewmmom") is mulling the idea of inviting some of her cyberpals from Breastfeeding.com to son Rocco's confirmation party.

And farther south in Aurora, "Staciabeth" (real name Stacy Manners) is completing plans for a weekend "reunion" in Minneapolis for moms who post on Geoparents.com and e-pregnancy.com.

"People do sometimes think it's kind of funny," said Manners, 24. "They say, 'How can you become such good friends with people you met on the Internet?'

"But you do. I honestly don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found e-pregnancy. It's like they're my sisters--and I haven't even met them."

Laura Gurak, Internet researcher and director of the Internet Studies Center at the University of Minnesota, said online communities for mothers are like the "quilting bees" of the Digital Age.

"This is the equivalent of going to the park with every mom you can think of from around the country," said Gurak, author of "Cyberliteracy: Navigating the Internet with Awareness" (Yale, $24.95).

"The kind of information that parents share with each other is really not something you can get anywhere else. Maybe in the old days, it's what you got from your local community--the elderly grandma down the street would have an idea if your kid were still sucking his thumb."

On the surface, it's just text on a screen. Questions and answers proffered with acronymic Internet shorthand (DH for dear hubby, DD for darling daughter, etc.) and a colon, dash and parenthesis as a cyber-smile. But to the estimated 90 million Americans who connect to online communities, it's so much more.

In a report released in October, the Pew Internet & American Life Project estimates 84 percent of Internet users have logged on to an online community at least once, and about half of those people say participation in such cyber groups has allowed them to start meaningful relationships with people they would not have otherwise met. Even more telling is that 1 in 5 of these so-called "cybergroupies" reports having arranged to meet someone in person that she first met online.

The result has been some amazing, uplifting stories. Stories like the one Frederick tells, or this one, from Manners:

"We have a girl named Shannon on our board, and she found out earlier this year she was pregnant with twins. A few weeks into her pregnancy, she found out the twins had a genetic disorder and they were conjoined," she said.

"About three or four days later, her mother passed away. She was just having an awful month."

In April, Manners and her "best friend" Anita (whom she has never met) in Manitoba, Canada, immediately sent out a post. They were making a "memory box" for Shannon, and did anyone have an uplifting poem or book to raise her spirits?

"Suddenly we started getting things in the mail. The women on my board ended up sending so many gifts, [Shannon] ended up getting a very big care package from her friends on the board--just to let her know we were supporting her."

In the case of "Hey-Kel" and "Shannon," the tales of woe were easily verified. The women had been posting together for years. But, as Gurak warns, not everyone who posts on message boards can or should be trusted.

A cautionary note

"People just have to be aware that trust and intimacy tend to develop quickly online. . . . It's a very intense medium," she said. "Be careful of people asking for money. Be careful of people asking for credit card numbers. Be careful of these sob stories."

Lisa Sutherland of Rochester, N.Y., owns the www.worknwoman.com and www.worknmom.com sites, home of the "Balancing Act" board (and a thoroughly humorous, thoroughly non-existent organization called the "Bad Mommies Club").

In addition to keeping discussion threads rolling, Sutherland said, one of her main priorities is making the boards a safe place for mothers to seek advice and share opinions.

"We don't tend to use names, first names or full names, and we generally don't give out street addresses or anything like that. My experience is that other people at other bulletin boards around the Internet literally have had stalking experiences," said Sutherland, a veteran "poster" who created the board so she and other working mothers would have a forum of their own.

"I really try hard to preserve people's privacy. There are features on the bulletin board software that would allow us to have a lot more information about each other, but I've disabled them."

Deciding how much information to reveal has become an individual judgment call. Some mothers who post attach photos of their children as part of their "signature" line. Others wouldn't dream of it.

As a Chicago probation officer who lives in the western suburbs, Lisa Ruiz, 30, is always conscious of who might be reading her posts on Breastfeeding.com.

A public place

"I'm very leery of giving out personal information on the board," she said. "It's hard to remember sometimes that it is a public place."

However, Gurak believes the Internet's inherent sense of "publicness" and anonymity can also be empowering--particularly for women who need advice on a sensitive subject.

"If you are not face to face with someone, it's a little easier to reveal things," Gurak explained. "It's less embarrassing. There's something about typing words on a screen that feels like writing a letter."

There are myriad reasons why mothers post on message boards. Some say it's the only socialization a busy mom's schedule allows (where else can you "talk" to someone when you're up at 4 a.m. with a colicky baby?) Others are just looking for women of like minds and situations to share (or vent about) the ups and downs of parenting philosophy and politics.

"It creates a back-fence kind of environment," said Ross, a Chicago attorney and a single mom. "The busier you are, the less time you have for a real social life. But the fun part is, people do end up meeting each other."

Nancy Price, editor and president of Myria Media, met her business partner, Betsy Gartrell-Judd, in an online community for expectant mothers in fall 1995.

Price lives in California; Judd lives in Ohio. The women--who still have never met face to face--found each other on a message board for mothers expecting babies in March 1996. As it turns out, they both had daughters--on the same day--and two years later were launching Myria.com, a women's-interest e-zine with information about everything from fitness to kid-friendly vacation ideas.

Popular demand

"We've just built the message boards by popular demand," Price said. "We have moderators who help keep the conversation flowing and community leaders who kind of oversee the message boards."

Myria Media, as it's now called, has expanded to include Geoparents.com, e-pregnancy.com, a new e-pregnancy print magazine and more than 300 online communities.

There are boards for every major North American city, not to mention England, Ireland, Italy and beyond; boards for mothers of different races and different faiths; boards for mothers of different languages; and boards for women who had babies in every month of every year since 1998.

Fagiano, 43, a native Chicagoan, uses the boards to make friends in other countries.

"The girl from New Zealand? I'd like to meet her," said Fagiano, a La Leche League counselor who posts on Breastfeeding.com, ProMoM.org and the slightly radical MilitantBreastFeedingCult.com. "And she always writes, `If you ever get over here, you can stay with us.' "

Although Fagiano has no immediate plans to zip off to New Zealand, another good friend she made on the boards does live close enough to visit. Just about two blocks away.

"Online, we were both kind of hesitant about where we were from. She suggested [we get together at] the McDonald's near my house and when we met, we told each other where we lived," Fagiano said. "We're friends now. We talk to each other on the phone and get together. It was pretty neat. It's funny, you talk to people online and then you get to meet them. It's different."

Price marvels at how the connections go way beyond her neighborhood.

"Being able to talk to people all over the world--people from Israel, Italy and Ireland--you have this common thread that is stronger than anything you can believe," she said.

But there's an expression among Internet researchers that goes: "Think globally, eat locally."

"It basically means there are things that are really great to do on the Internet," Gurak said, "but there are some things that are better off done face to face, like eating a meal."

There are sociologists who fear these online communities may someday erode that face time--imagining some Orwellian vista of cyber cafes frequented by people who know their fellow Netizens better than they know their neighbors.

But Gurak disagreed.

"I don't think the question is whether the Internet will replace that because a lot of that is gone already," she said. "Take the idea of a suburb, for example. People aren't living in city block communities anymore. In many places, there are no sidewalks and no city buses."

She paused, then added: "In a way, the Internet is actually bringing back the sense of community that we don't have in our physical communities anymore. . . . Just don't forget to go outside and take a bike ride with your kid."

Bond electronically with other moms

Here are parenting-related Web sites to check out.

- www.adoptiveparenting.com--Features more than 30 message boards for adoptive parents, with topics ranging from transracial parenting to discipline. Also see www.adoptiveparents.com.

- www.epregnancy.com--Sign up for a nine-month tour. This Myria Media site is just for expectant moms (or anyone who's expecting to be expecting). Also see www.myria.com.

- www.geoparent.com--Also owned by Myria Media, this mom-bo e-zine links to an estimated 300 online communities, organized by topic, geographic location (there's a Chicago board, BTW) or child's birth month. You might even spot a few cyberdads.

- www.mochamoms.org--Dedicated to "stay-at-home mothers of color," this site's message boards link like-minded mommies to discussions on everything from home schooling to community events.

- www.parentsplace.com--Have opinions about Ritalin? Single parenting? This iVillage-powered site runs the mommy board gamut, from the Parents Place e-zine to Parent Soup.

- www.parentstages.com--Don't have time to surf? This site pulls articles from Geoparent, iVillage, Myria and Parenting.com with message boards organized by three phases of parenthood: expecting, new parent or growing parent.

- www.proMoM.org--The official site for Promotion of Mother's Milk Inc., you won't find any formula ads here. Discussion boards focus primarily on breast-feeding issues, from nursing multiples to breast-feeding in the workplace. Also see www.breastfeeding.com.

- www.singlemomz.com--Devoted to issues faced by single moms. Message board topics range from SBC (single by choice) moms to dealing with divorce and dating.

- www.storknet.com--Whether you need advice or just want to vent, this site features several pregnancy and parenting communities, including "stork clubs" for moms with babies born the same month.

- www.worknmom.com--Motto: "Support, not guilt, for working moms." Caters primarily to moms who work either outside or within the home, but stay-at-home moms are welcome. Most popular board: Balancing Act.

-- Sherry Thomas

Do you speak cyberma?

If you want to be a cybermama, you have to learn the mother tongue. Here are a few commonly used acronyms to get you started:

BF--Breast-feeding, which makes a BFM--you guessed it--a mom who breast-feeds.

BIL/MIL/SIL--Brother-in-law, mother-in-law, sister-in-law. Want to refer to all in-laws? Use IL.

BMC--Bad Mommy Club. Only membership requirements are guilt and good intentions.

CSM--Co-sleeping mom. (Moms who admit to sharing a bed with their children.)

DC--Day care.

DH--Dear/darling (or on bad days, insert any "d" adjective here) husband.

DS or DD -- Dear/darling son or daughter. Also refers to birth order when paired with number rank (as in DS1 or DD2).

DQ--Drama queen. (You know who you are.)

SBC--Single by choice, specifically referring to mothers who choose to become pregnant without a partner.

WAHM--Work-at-home mom. A WOHM works "outside" the home and a SAHM "stays at home" with her children. Get any of the three confused and suffer the wrath of mommy politics.

-- S.T.